Are You Looking for the Perfect ADHD Metaphor... and Your Keys?

 I recently gave a speech at the Overland Expo Mountain West.  This was my first ever in-person speaking engagement.  And I ran into a problem that I don't expeience when writing.  I couldn't be sure of my audience's knowledge level.  When writing, I can assume that if you are reading an ADHD blog, you know what ADHD is and have some connection to it.  I can also assume that if you don't know what I am talking about and you care, you can Google anything you don't understand.  However, the same assumptions cannot be made when speaking in person.  Maybe someone is just wandering past my room and notices that I am pretty animated and that the audience is laughing, so they stick their head in.  And people probably aren't going to start Googling in the middle of a lecutre.  But I could make the assumption that at least some of the people there came there with the specific intent of seeing me and learning about how to live a nomadic lifestyle with ADHD, since that was the topic of my talk.  And those people already know what ADHD is.  The conundrum was how to explain what ADHD is without boring the pants off of everyone who already knew.  I decided what I needed was a metaphor.
ADHD is like a summer's breeze, riding a roller coaster, being a bunny rabbit.  Yeah, not as easy as it sounds.  And then it occurred to me.  ADHD is best explained in the context of losing your keys.  Hey, it's something everybody with ADHD and most people without it can relate to.  We all understand that frustration and panic and confusion that goes with key losing.  And it can really explain what is going on in the ADHD brain.

Let's start with the question of how did I lose my keys in the first place.  Seriously, how did I do that?  For those of you who don't know, I am a digital nomad.  I live in 103 cubic feet.  And I can I lose my keys without even getting out of the driver's seat.  I'll be driving down the road and decide that it's time for a break.  I'll pull over, reach in the back to get a snack, relax, play on my phone, have a little nosh.  And then it's time to get going down the road again.  Only, I can't because I can't find my keys.  I look on the dashboard, where they are supposed to be.  They aren't there.  I look on the passenger seat, where they are likely to be.  No, not this time.  I look on the floor, in between the seat and the console, in my bag, everywhere.  I even look in the glove compartment, even though I know I haven't opened that in weeks and there's nothing in there besides ketchup packets.  I can't find my keys anywhere.  And the questions is how did I lose my keys in the space of 20 minutes and 103 cubic feet.  
Because I have problems with my working memory.  Most people have heard of short term memory and long term memory, but what is working memory?  Working memory are the memories you are making and using at the moment.  Working memory is what lets you remember that I told you to turn left at the third light when you get to that light.  Working memory is how you remember that the big, bad wolf easily blew down the house of sticks, while you read the part about him not being able to blow down the house of bricks.  And working memory is what lets you remember where you put your keys down when you put them down.  If that information doesn't go into working memory, it can't go into short term memory and if it doesn't go into short term memory, it can't go into long term memory.  Which means 20 minutes later, I have no idea where my keys are.
Another reason I lost my keys is that I have trouble with my PPO.  I don't mean my health care.  I mean Prioritizing, Planning, and Organizing.  In order to not lose my keys, I need to first say to myself, "I lose my keys a lot.  I don't like losing my keys.  It makes me unhappy.  I should do something about that."  Then I would need to think about how I could avoid losing my keys in the future and then put into place a plan of action or organization that would let me keep track of my keys.  But I don't.  I just get upset and angry when it happens.  A breakdown in any of these steps is going to result in my frantically searching the car for twenty minutes.
And I lost my keys because I have very little impulse control.  When we think of a lack of impulse control, we often think of compulsive shopping or gambling.  Maybe we think of someone who blurts out the first thing that comes to their mind in a conversation.  But impulse control can also mean not just dropping your keys when you are done with them, so that you can move on to something more interesting.  
Well, now my keys are lost.  I don't know how I lost them, just why.  But now I have to deal with that.  But I have trouble dealing with that because I have issues with my flexible thinking.  Flexible thinking is what helps you to deal with new (and especially unexpected) circumstances.  Although, let's be honest, at this point, losing my keys is not the least bit unexpected.  But I had thought that I would be back on the road, rolling towards my destination, only to end up searching my car for the keys.  I don't deal well with that.  But I don't always know I'm not dealing well with that because I have issues with my self-monitoring.  Self-monitoring is the ability to understand what you are feeling in the moment and name it.  The inability to self-monitor goes hand in hand with a lack of emotional control.  If I don't know what I am feeling, those feelings can overwhelm me.  When I lose my keys, there's going to be cussing.  There might also be screaming and crying, but for sure, there is going to be 103 cubic feet of F-bombs.

That all sounds very dire.  And it can be.  It's very difficult to live with ADHD.  It can feel like you are constantly in that state of panic and confusion that goes alone with losing your keys.  But it's not always like that.  I have put it in this negative situation, losing keys, but life isn't always negative and ADHD isn't always bad.  The inability to transition and lack of flexible thinking is transformed into hyperfocus.  Hyperfocus is the reason that you will never, ever beat someone with ADHD at Halo.  Hyperfocus is when everything else in the universe is drown out and there is only one thing the brain is focused on.  This is very useful and can often help people with ADHD.  Lack of PPO and impulse control issues turn into creativity, spontaneity, and humor.  People with ADHD are just so much fun to be around.  And lack of emotional control doesn't just apply to anger and frustration, it also applies to joy and wonderment.  You haven't seen joy until you have seen the face of someone with ADHD as they learn something new or experience a triumph.  ADHD is a burden and a blessing.
Oh, in case you were wondering... I got out of the car and heard the keys fall to the ground.  They were in my lap the whole time.

I Don’t Know Why They Say It Isn’t: Failure Is Always An Option

 Why does failure have to be a negative thing?  Who decreed it so?  Who decided people should always succeed?  Don’t get me wrong; I like success.  It’s great.  I’ll even go so far as to say that I prefer success over failure.  But failure’s fine, too.  Why not? 

Most pro-failure posts are going to go on about how great failure is because that’s how you learn.  And it absolutely is.  That’s pretty much the only way to learn.  But what if you fail and it turns out that it’s not a learning opportunity.  It just didn’t work out.  That’s okay, too.  Not everything in life has to matter.  Not everything has to have value.  Sometimes, stuff just happens.  Sure, it’s wonderful if you can learn from a failure and use it to motivate you to improve.  Yeah, you go!   
When I went for the written portion of my driving test, back in the days when we used dinosaurs (do you know how hard it is to parallel park a Brontosaurus?), I failed.  That’s it.  I took the test and I didn’t get enough answers right and I failed the test.  I went back the next day and retook the test and passed it.  Not the best story.  I didn’t learn a lesson about perseverance or determination.  There was no montage of me staying up all night, surrounded by books with titles like, “The Law of the Road” and “Driving and You,” drinking too much coffee, falling asleep with pencils in my hair.  I didn’t have an emotional breakthrough as I discovered that, yes, test anxiety is real and I have it!  I don’t think I even studied again.  I just shrugged it off, came back the next day, and got my permit.  No, it wasn’t material for an After School Special or Lifetime Movie.  But it also wasn’t material for an After School Special or Lifetime Movie, if you see what I am saying.  It was just something that happened.  I don’t know why.  Maybe I was distracted or nervous.  Maybe I didn’t read the questions (or answers) correctly.  Maybe... I can’t even think of a reason.  I just didn’t pass.  It wasn’t meaningful or tragic or inspirational.   
Life is filled with so many giant, life-changing events, but not everything has to be one.  It’s okay to fail and have it mean nothing.  Unless you are skydiving, you should feel free to fail.  Most of the time, it isn’t going to matter.  Sometimes it will be good.  It will mean that you’ve learned something and that you have the opportunity to change and explore new paths and possibilities.  Embrace those moments!  They can change your whole outlook on life.  They can be what drives you.  They can be the best things that ever happen to you.  Or it will be something you never really think about again. 

Why does this matter?  Because fear of failure stops people from doing things.  Things they want to do.  Things they need to do.  Things that will help them grow and will allow them to live the life they want to live.  People are afraid to fail because someone said failure is bad.  Again, I don’t know who, but it must have been someone important because now almost everyone agrees failure is bad.  But most people can’t tell you why.  Just simply because it isn’t success.  But what if we stopped thinking that?  What if we strived to do our best for the sake of doing our best and not for the sake of succeeding?  What if we tried things and didn’t worry about the outcome?   
Yes, of course, there are times when success really matters.  I hope that my surgeon and my banker and my veterinarian are all very successful.  But does it really matter if you don’t pass a test when you are allowed to retake the test as many times as you want?  No.  Not really.  Does it really matter if you lose at bar trivia or at a pick-up basketball game?  Does it really matter if you look stupid when you dance?  No, none of that matters.  Go try something new.  If you fail at it, that’s okay.  If you don’t learn anything when you fail at it, that’s okay, too.  You can pick yourself up and try again or you can just move on to something else.   

In Favor of Procrastination: Why Putting Off Tasks Makes You More Productive

 Rather aptly, I keep putting off writing this post.  It’s been sitting on my to-do list for more than two weeks.  And I am supposed to write a post at least once a week.  So my social media coach tells me.  (Yeah, coaches have coaches) I’ve had the skeleton to this post, but I just haven’t gotten around to turning that into a full post.  

 

Procrastination gets such a bad rap. But like most things in life, it is neutral.  It’s all in how you use it.  Procrastination lets you know that you are not working at your peak performance. Putting something off can let you come back to it with renewed energy and fresh eyes.   Forcing yourself to plow through something when you have lost focus is not going to produce the high-quality results you want.  Sometimes plowing is a necessity.  Sometimes there are deadlines or other people are waiting on you or you plow through the boring parts to get to the good stuff.  But if it’s not a necessity, then stick that work in a drawer and come back to it.  Let your mind think about something else.  Take that break or work on something else.  When you come back to the original activity, you will be able to really see it.  It’s like when you spend half an hour looking for your keys, only to have someone else find them, sitting out in the open on a table you’ve walked past a dozen times during your search.  The more we look at something, especially if there is an urgency or emotional element, the less likely we are to really see it.   

It gives you time to consider a problem or come up with a more creative solution.   Thinking about something else can sometimes spark ideas.  Archimedes was tasked by the king to figure out how much gold was in the royal crown.  You see, he thought the metalsmith had cheated him by mixing the gold with silver.  Archimedes pondered this conundrum but was unable to come up with a solution.  He grew frustrated and decided to put the problem aside and go take a bath.  Hey, who doesn’t like a nice bath at the end of a hard day?  Archimedes filled the tub and when he got in it, water splashed over the side.  He yelled, “Eureka!” and went running, naked, from the bathhouse and down the streets, screaming about water displacement, volume, and oh, how the king was going to love him.  Okay, that probably never happened.  But that’s the story and it has a good moral.  Go take a bath.  Or go for a run (clothed, please).  Or play a game.  Or just sit and observe the world around you.  You may not come up with a physics axiom, but you might be inspired to find what you need to move forward. 

Procrastination reduces stress by letting you know that you need rest and rejuvenation.  Your body and brain can only take so much.  Stress reduces efficiency.  Let’s say you spend 3 hours working on something, but you are forcing every step of it.  You’re working at maybe 35% efficiency and it keeps getting lower as you plow through.  But what if you worked at 35% efficiency for half an hour and then said, “Forget this, I’m gonna go take a bath.”  You soak in the tub for half an hour and then you come back to your work, rested and with a positive outlook.  Now you’re working at 80% efficiency.  And yes, you took half an hour off, but that only lowered your overall efficiency to, like, 62%. No, that’s not 100%. That’s not even 80%, but it’s a lot better than 35%. 

Procrastination can tell you if you are prioritizing your work correctly and help you work more efficiently. Sometimes we put things off because we tell ourselves that they are not that important. And here’s the thing: sometimes that’s true. And that’s good to know. We push to the foreground those things that have deadlines or where someone else is involved and waiting on us. Because cleaning the kitchen can be done after that assignment that is due in the morning.  

 

 

 
Of course, it’s only procrastination if things get done in the end. If things aren’t getting done, that’s not procrastination; that’s not getting things done. Which is a whole different topic which we will cover in another post. When I get around to it. Procrastination can be overused and that makes your life more difficult. But let’s not say all procrastination is bad. Because it isn’t.  Before trying to force your way through the procrastination, see if that procrastination isn’t trying to tell you something. Maybe it’s time for a rest or time to change subjects for a while or time to just sit and think. Listening to your procrastination can help you to work smarter. 

Does 9-5 and 1.9 Kids in the Suburbs Sounds Like Death to You?

That's okay.  Frankly, I'm right there with you.  But many people seem to like that sort of thing, so I'm not going to rag on it.  I don't need to tear down someone else's dreams to live mine.  But we have to stop equating 35 years and a gold watch to success.  Yes, that can be success, but it's not the only kind.  The world has changed.  There is far less company loyalty.  Almost everybody is an at-will employee.  In the last 20 years, people working independent contractor (1099) jobs has risen 30% (Harvard/Princeton).   People change jobs, if not careers, every 4.2 years (Bureau of Labor Statistics).  What a great time to have ADHD!  This is the world for you.  Sorry everyone else. 

It is a time of self-employment.  ADHD folks can be fiercely independent and they are go-getters.  And nowadays, you don't have to work for anyone else.  If you have a marketable skill or product, start your own business.  If you think you can do something better, go do it.  Build that start up, open that doggy daycare, sell your art.  

It is a time of innovation.  If anyone can build you a better mousetrap, it's someone with ADHD.  If you can't find a job you want to do, then create one.  Be a professional bridemaid.  Or bring back phrenology.  Review ice cream on YouTube.  Start a lizard farm (I don't know where you will find lizard-sized tractors, but you'll figure it out).

It is a time of multiple income streams.  How great is that when you have a bunch of interests that you bounce between?  You don't have to have a job; you can have five.  You can spend time polishing rocks and then do some coding and move on to brusking and call all of that work.  It's okay that none of those is likely to support you because all of them will.  

It's a time of remote work.  You can work from literally (almost) anywhere!  You can work all over the world while sitting in one place or you can work in one place while you travel the world.  Restless, bored, looking for adventure?  Well, then get up and get moving.  Work can come with you!

It's a time of risk-taking.  The big risks can pay those big rewards.  There is value in being able to take that leap of faith, try that crazy idea, make the unpopular decision.  Sometimes you just have to jump and hope the net is there.  
This is a time tailor-made for the ADHD brain.  You can live your big dreams.  Or a bunch of small ones.  You can find your passion and then live to work or work to live.   You don't have to hold down a job.  You don't have to live like everyone else.  You can be you.  

And that is what success is.  Success is being comfortable with yourself, who you are, and just how f-ing cool you are.  Success is living the life that fits you best.  Success is joy.  
I would love to hear from you guys.  Leave a comment and tell me about your success.

Stop Hiding: How Denying ADHD is Hurting Your Child and Everyone Else

I have been working with a student for a couple months whose stated goal is to get straight As.  In pursuit of that, she and I meet 4 or 5 times a week and do two-hour sessions of body doubling.  Since we’ve been doing this, she has caught up on all of her past due assignments and has gotten to and is maintaining an A average.  I’m really proud of her.   
As I am setting up my business, I am working on my blog and website and various other marketing stuff that I can’t stand, but, you know, you gotta do what you gotta do.  So, I asked the mother of this student if she would be willing to write a review for me.  The mother responded that she would be happy to do that, but that she didn’t want anyone to know that her daughter has ADHD and is getting help, so could she please write her review anonymously.  I responded that, of course, I understand and that all my reviews have only a first name and a location.   
But that was a lie.  Not the part about using just a first name and location.  That’s the truth.  The lie was that I understood.  I don’t.  I don’t understand even a little bit. 
Okay, a little bit.  I understand that the mother is trying to shield her daughter from the stigma and discrimination that she imagines her daughter will face if there is an ADHD label.  What I don’t understand is why she thinks that is a good or necessary thing to do.  I’m not going to say that there isn’t a stigma against having ADHD.  There is.  Announcing that you have ADHD can make life difficult in school, work, and social situations.  Some people think of ADHD as a behavioral issue or a lack of character.  Some people.  But is the stigma greater than or less than everyone thinking that.  Because some people know that ADHD is real and they understand that there is a real struggle going on.  Without that ADHD diagnosis, there is no reason for people to see the symptoms of ADHD as anything besides personal choice.  And worse yet, so will the person who has ADHD. 

The only way hiding ADHD will work to reduce the amount of stigma a person faces is for that person to then pretend to be “normal.”  So, not only does this person have to fight through their ADHD and pretend to be something they aren’t, they have to do that without help and without the support of those who understand.  Every symptom is now seen as a shortcoming by those around them.  And that will be internalized.  How could it not be? 
Hiding a disability, any disability, puts an unreasonable amount of pressure on the person hiding.  And shame.  We don’t hide things that aren’t shameful.  Why would we?  The mere act of denying ADHD creates the stigma that one is trying to avoid.  It proves to the person who is suffering that what is happening to them is their own fault and something that set them apart.  When we ask our children to hide who they are, we are telling them to hate themselves.  We are telling them that their core nature is unacceptable and won’t be tolerated.  We are telling society that we agree that ADHD is a character flaw. I am imploring all parents out there, out your children; out yourself.  When we are open and honest, we create an environment where discussions can be had and help can be gotten.  Teach your child that it is acceptable to be different.  Because if you don’t actively do that then you are actively teaching them that they are not acceptable. 

Break it Down, Build it Up

You’re chilling on the couch.  Maybe playing a game, maybe watching YouTube, maybe just daydreaming.  You have something to do.  It might be big or small.  You know how to do it.  You have everything you need to do it.  You have the time to do it.  You even want to do it.  But for some reason, you just can’t make yourself get up and do it. 

This is a common scenario for people with ADHD.  You may even struggle with this every day.  The advice most often given is to break it down.  Stop seeing what you have to do as something that is huge and overwhelming.  Break it down into its smallest parts.  If you have to clean the kitchen, then the first step is to go to the kitchen.  No big deal, right?  You go to the kitchen all the time.  So, you get up and go to the kitchen.  Now all you have to do is take the dishes that are sitting on the counter and put them into the sink.  You can do that.  That doesn’t even require you to take more than a few steps.  After that, you might as well rinse off the dishes and put them in the dishwasher.  Oops, that was too big; you hear the couch calling you back.  Okay, then just the glasses.  Some of them have milk in them and you just know those are going to stink if you leave them.  Just the glasses.  Hey, that went well, so might as well work on the bowls.  So on and so forth and before you know it, you’ve gotten the dishes done.  And that’s the hardest part of cleaning the kitchen.  Now you just have to wipe the counters, maybe sweep the floor.  But, hey, after doing the dishes, these things are nothing, hardly any effort at all.  And when you are done, you get to sit in your nice, clean kitchen and have a bowl of ice cream while you play Pokemon or Candy Crush, with nothing hanging over your head.  That sounds great!  And it is great.  It is a tried and true method.  There are studies and research that will bear this out as an effective method to get things done. 
But it’s not the only method.  Breaking things down only works if the problem is that you are feeling overwhelmed by your task.  And that’s not always the reason for procrastination and avoidance. 

Sometimes we don’t get things done because they are already too small.  We tell ourselves, “It won’t take but a minute to load the dishwasher.”  And because we believe the task is so simple and not at all time consuming, you put it off because we can always do it later.  We can save it for the last minute because that’s all it will take.  We break it down in our minds until it is so small that it becomes insignificant.  In that case, the answer can be to make it bigger, more complicated, more urgent.  Now, we don’t want a list that says, 1. Rinse dishes, 2. Put dishes in dishwasher, 3. Wipe down counters, 4. Sweep floor.  Here, it might be more effective to have one item on the list: Clean kitchen.  This will allow you to get a more realistic time frame.  Before you told yourself that each of those activities would take just a minute or two.  But seen as a whole, you know it’s going to take 45 minutes.  This also allows you to see the larger impact that the activity has.  Not having a swept floor is a small thing.  Not having a clean kitchen is bigger.  You can’t cook in a dirty kitchen.  You don’t even want to walk into a dirty kitchen.  Now, it has more urgency because it’s something you need to get done before you can do other, more pleasant things, like getting a bowl of ice cream and sitting down to play Angry Birds or solitaire.
Sometimes you need to break things down, but sometimes you need to build things up.  There’s no one solution that is going to work every time.  Circumstances change and the solution with them. 

Hey, You! I Have Something Important to Tell You

Yes, you. You, the person with ADHD who just happened upon my blog. I want to talk to you. I want to tell you that this is really happening to you. Your life is very difficult. It’s harder for you than it is for others around you. You aren’t making it up. You aren’t exaggerating it. You aren’t milking it for sympathy. This is actually happening to you. And I’m sorry because it sucks. It’s hard and painful and, yeah, it just sucks. But please understand: It sucks; you don’t. You are doing an amazing job. Really above and beyond. You are trying so hard. And it shows. Right now, it might feel like your life is falling apart around you and you are holding it together with duct tape and safety pins. Wow! That is so great! You are amazing! You have the strength of a thousand! And I am really, really proud of you. If nobody has told you what a spectacular job you are doing, let me. You are doing a spectacular job. You are fighting through a hundred different obstacles just to make it to the end of the day. And you do it. It isn’t always pretty, but you are holding it together. You deserve a pat on the back. Give yourself a pat on the back. Now, I want to invite you to imagine what you could do if you had more than duct tape and safety pins. Imagine what you could accomplish if you had a toolbox full of tools at your disposal. Imagine the heights you could reach, the worlds you could build, the dreams you could live.

I cannot be too clear about this: There is nothing wrong with you. In fact, if you have ADHD, it’s likely that you’re a pretty cool person. You are probably caring and funny and just a joy to be around, in general. You’re fine, so stop trying to fix yourself. You can’t fix what ain’t broken. And trying is only causing you pain. What you can fix are the mental and physical environments in which you live. You can change how you think about yourself. You can change how you approach life. You can change what it means to be successful, productive, and happy. You can take control of the world around you and adjust it to fit you.  
And I really hope you will. I hope that you will take control of your world because you deserve more than duct tape and safety pins. You deserve the best in life. You deserve to have your dreams come true. And you deserve to rest. Really, you must be exhausted. Life shouldn’t be this hard. And when you realize that you aren’t the problem, it will start to get easier. Love yourself for who you are. Because you’re so damn lovable.  

You are freaking awesome!  I just thought you should know. 

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