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Blowing Sunshine: Why Realism and Honesty Matter When Talking About ADHD

 I’m going to go out on a limb here.  I’m about to buy myself a world of trouble.  Here goes: 

ADHD is NOT a superpower. 

Yeah, I know, right?!?!?  This sounds really weird coming from an ADHD coach, from a self-proclaimed “giant bouncy ball of sunshine,” from someone whose wardrobe consists of a few pairs of jeans and dozens of positive message tee-shirts.  But this is so important.  It is beyond belief important that we not go around blowing sunshine up our own asses.  This toxic positivity has to stop.  It’s hurting people.  
Superpowers make your life easier.  ADHD is a neurological condition and it makes your life harder.  Don’t get me wrong… that doesn’t mean it can’t make your life better.  It absolutely can.  But better is not the same as easier.  In order for ADHD to make your life better, you do have to do some hard work.  Calling ADHD a superpower belittles that hard work.  It minimizes the everyday struggle that people with ADHD go through.  It trivializes achievements, big and small.  And we don’t want to do that.  There is a voice in the back of the ADHD mind that does that for us.  That voice tells us that what we do is beneath recognition, is too simple to be celebrated, is just the bare minimum and that’s not good enough.  We really don’t need to add to that voice.  If we had superpowers then getting through the day should be simple, creating a successful and happy life should take little to no effort.  But getting through the day is hard and creating a life, any life, is an overwhelming task. 
Calling ADHD a superpower dismisses the pain it causes and the lives it devastates.  Just look at these statistics: 

People with ADHD are fighting to get through the day and they’re being told how they have superpowers.  How is that going to make you feel?  Not good.  Not successful.  Not happy.  It puts an extreme amount of pressure on you.  Pressure you don’t need from the outside because you get enough of that from the inside.  If you had superpowers, life would be easy (except when you are called upon to save NYC from aliens; you had other plans) and life isn’t easy.  It’s okay to acknowledge that.  It’s okay to call ADHD what it is. 
ADHD is a DISABILITY. 

I know… I just said a nasty thing.  I’m going to get hate mail.  I know I will because I have before.  But I stand by the statement because it is a simple fact.  It is not an opinion.  It is not a metaphor.  It is not hyperbole.  ADHD is a neurological condition that impairs function.  That is a disability.  It should be treated like one.  You need help.  And that’s okay!  Calling ADHD a superpower stops people from getting the help they need because they think it’s not okay.  They think they shouldn’t need help.  Afterall, they have superpowers, why would they need help?   People feel as if they should be able to handle everything life throws at them and are devastated when they can’t.  That devastation can lead to depression, self-loathing, and even suicide. 
And, frankly, it’s a little disrespectful to people with other disabilities.  Okay, it’s way disrespectful.  Beyond the pale.  It doesn’t reduce stigma; it shifts it.  Basically, to deny that ADHD is a disability is to say that you don’t want yourself or someone you love to be put into a category with “those people.”  As if there’s something shameful about having a disability.  It announces that having a disability is something that is embarrassing and disgraceful.  Something that shouldn’t be talked about in polite company.   
So, let’s just stop it.  Let’s stop trying to make ADHD pretty.  It isn’t.  It’s painful and stressful and difficult to live with.  Let’s be honest.  Because when we are honest, we open the door to support and help.  When we are truthful, we take some of the pressure off.  When we are realistic, we can look at the positives and find joy in them.  If we stop trying to blow sunshine, we can find the actual light. 

 Well, don't keep it to yourself. Leave your death threat

in the comments.

Break it Down, Build it Up

You’re chilling on the couch.  Maybe playing a game, maybe watching YouTube, maybe just daydreaming.  You have something to do.  It might be big or small.  You know how to do it.  You have everything you need to do it.  You have the time to do it.  You even want to do it.  But for some reason, you just can’t make yourself get up and do it. 

This is a common scenario for people with ADHD.  You may even struggle with this every day.  The advice most often given is to break it down.  Stop seeing what you have to do as something that is huge and overwhelming.  Break it down into its smallest parts.  If you have to clean the kitchen, then the first step is to go to the kitchen.  No big deal, right?  You go to the kitchen all the time.  So, you get up and go to the kitchen.  Now all you have to do is take the dishes that are sitting on the counter and put them into the sink.  You can do that.  That doesn’t even require you to take more than a few steps.  After that, you might as well rinse off the dishes and put them in the dishwasher.  Oops, that was too big; you hear the couch calling you back.  Okay, then just the glasses.  Some of them have milk in them and you just know those are going to stink if you leave them.  Just the glasses.  Hey, that went well, so might as well work on the bowls.  So on and so forth and before you know it, you’ve gotten the dishes done.  And that’s the hardest part of cleaning the kitchen.  Now you just have to wipe the counters, maybe sweep the floor.  But, hey, after doing the dishes, these things are nothing, hardly any effort at all.  And when you are done, you get to sit in your nice, clean kitchen and have a bowl of ice cream while you play Pokemon or Candy Crush, with nothing hanging over your head.  That sounds great!  And it is great.  It is a tried and true method.  There are studies and research that will bear this out as an effective method to get things done. 
But it’s not the only method.  Breaking things down only works if the problem is that you are feeling overwhelmed by your task.  And that’s not always the reason for procrastination and avoidance. 

Sometimes we don’t get things done because they are already too small.  We tell ourselves, “It won’t take but a minute to load the dishwasher.”  And because we believe the task is so simple and not at all time consuming, you put it off because we can always do it later.  We can save it for the last minute because that’s all it will take.  We break it down in our minds until it is so small that it becomes insignificant.  In that case, the answer can be to make it bigger, more complicated, more urgent.  Now, we don’t want a list that says, 1. Rinse dishes, 2. Put dishes in dishwasher, 3. Wipe down counters, 4. Sweep floor.  Here, it might be more effective to have one item on the list: Clean kitchen.  This will allow you to get a more realistic time frame.  Before you told yourself that each of those activities would take just a minute or two.  But seen as a whole, you know it’s going to take 45 minutes.  This also allows you to see the larger impact that the activity has.  Not having a swept floor is a small thing.  Not having a clean kitchen is bigger.  You can’t cook in a dirty kitchen.  You don’t even want to walk into a dirty kitchen.  Now, it has more urgency because it’s something you need to get done before you can do other, more pleasant things, like getting a bowl of ice cream and sitting down to play Angry Birds or solitaire.
Sometimes you need to break things down, but sometimes you need to build things up.  There’s no one solution that is going to work every time.  Circumstances change and the solution with them. 

Hey, You! I Have Something Important to Tell You

Yes, you. You, the person with ADHD who just happened upon my blog. I want to talk to you. I want to tell you that this is really happening to you. Your life is very difficult. It’s harder for you than it is for others around you. You aren’t making it up. You aren’t exaggerating it. You aren’t milking it for sympathy. This is actually happening to you. And I’m sorry because it sucks. It’s hard and painful and, yeah, it just sucks. But please understand: It sucks; you don’t. You are doing an amazing job. Really above and beyond. You are trying so hard. And it shows. Right now, it might feel like your life is falling apart around you and you are holding it together with duct tape and safety pins. Wow! That is so great! You are amazing! You have the strength of a thousand! And I am really, really proud of you. If nobody has told you what a spectacular job you are doing, let me. You are doing a spectacular job. You are fighting through a hundred different obstacles just to make it to the end of the day. And you do it. It isn’t always pretty, but you are holding it together. You deserve a pat on the back. Give yourself a pat on the back. Now, I want to invite you to imagine what you could do if you had more than duct tape and safety pins. Imagine what you could accomplish if you had a toolbox full of tools at your disposal. Imagine the heights you could reach, the worlds you could build, the dreams you could live.

I cannot be too clear about this: There is nothing wrong with you. In fact, if you have ADHD, it’s likely that you’re a pretty cool person. You are probably caring and funny and just a joy to be around, in general. You’re fine, so stop trying to fix yourself. You can’t fix what ain’t broken. And trying is only causing you pain. What you can fix are the mental and physical environments in which you live. You can change how you think about yourself. You can change how you approach life. You can change what it means to be successful, productive, and happy. You can take control of the world around you and adjust it to fit you.  
And I really hope you will. I hope that you will take control of your world because you deserve more than duct tape and safety pins. You deserve the best in life. You deserve to have your dreams come true. And you deserve to rest. Really, you must be exhausted. Life shouldn’t be this hard. And when you realize that you aren’t the problem, it will start to get easier. Love yourself for who you are. Because you’re so damn lovable.  

You are freaking awesome!  I just thought you should know. 

Get your tools here 

Welcome to my new blog!

 Hi!  I'm Jennifer.  

Let me tell you a little about myself.  I am an ADHD coach, working primarily with high school, college, and adult students.  I am also a digital nomad, traveling North America with my Jeep, my gypsy trailer, and my bunny rabbit, Thor.  

ADHD and other executive functioning disorders run in my family and have been part of my life since I was born.  I went to Towson University (no worries, nobody else has heard of it either) and got my degree in English with a specialty in Writing.  I started out my career as a tutor for special education students.  I could see that my students needed help with more than understanding Macbeth.  I went on to teach GED classes at a correctional halfway house.  While I was there, I met many students who were there becuase they had needed help at some point in their lives and they didn't get it.  I wanted to be that help.  
I enrolled in the ADDCA Coaching Program.  I have finished my classwork and expect to finish my field work in June.  I'm very excited! 

 In this blog, I will share with you information, insights, and opinions about ADHD.  I welcome any questions that you might have and I will answer any that you send me or leave in the comments.  I will probably also talk a little about my adventures and my bunny.  Welcoming people to your blog is the virtual equivalent of inviting someone to your living room.  Please treat it like that.  Make yourself comfotable, but I would appreciate it if you would use a coaster.